Children Grieve Too...

I am no stranger to loss nor to its pain.  However, what happens when a living child is affected by this type of loss? 

Today,  I received an interesting phone call from the school principle.  The report was that my eldest daughter, who is now age 9, spilled her little heart in tears to her teacher today:  "Mommy and Daddy killed my baby sister and buried her in our front yard.  When our house flooded, we left her behind."  Of course the principle has no idea what the actual incident was so it raised some suspicion.  This incident opened my eyes to the fact that although she doesn't fully understand what actually happened, she is still grieving 20 months later.  She is confused and hurt.

Through her eyes:   

My daughter saw the beautiful little "box" I made for her sister.  We had our children write a card or draw a picture to put in Joy-Anna's box.  Not fully understanding the seriousness of the matter, the children all gladly drew pictures and turned them in to me.  I included all their little drawings and a goodbye note of love from myself with her tiny little body.  I sealed her resting box and prepared the Memorial Garden spot with love and tenderness.

With heavy hearts, we invited a few close friends to say "goodbye" with us.  We asked that friends who came bring some flowers that we could plant to beautify her resting place. 

After the prayer, scriptures and a few parting words, we laid her to rest in the prepared front garden.  All my daughter understood at the time was that we were burying a "box".  She cried.  She kept asking why we were burying the "box".  "Joy is going to need it.  It is her box."  Her little 7 year old heart didn't understand at that time.    

I did attempt to explain that Joy-Anna was called home to Heavenly Father.  But I doubt she fully understood what that meant.  Every day after the memorial service, we would wish Joy "good morning" every day on the way to school.  And every night we would bid her "good night."  She was very much an integral part of our daily routine - a member of our family.

Tragedy struck our family a little over a year later, and we were forced to move from our home.  However, we left Joy-Anna in the garden to rest in peace.  I think that is when the grief really started processing through her little heart.  She is now 9 years old and understands that miscarriage means death, that she will never get to meet her little sister in this life.  However, as today has shown she hasn't come to understand that it isn't anyone's fault.  Part of her appears to blame daddy and me for the loss of her baby sister.  The "how" doesn't really matter to her, it is more the fact that she is missing this precious member of our family.

How do you help a child cope with the pain of this kind of loss? 

I think it is important to always include the baby in all important family activities.  It is also vital to allow sibling to grieve baby's absence.  Allow her to talk about the baby and what it may be doing in heaven at any given time.  Remind the child, that the Family is Forever.  The baby is forever a part of our family.  She is just looking after us from Heavenly Father's presence.

We are now expecting another baby.  This whole pregnancy, aforementioned child is worried sick about the health of both mama and baby.  Always is asking to do things for me.  She asks to feel is baby brother is kicking.  She just wants something tangible that he is alive and healthy.  She is still terrified that something will happen to this little sibling too.  

Mamas who have experienced this kind of loss while having living children in your home, remember that your child is experiencing the loss as well.  Sometimes in very similar ways.  Somehow I think her grieving process is harder than mine has ever been.  Why?  She doesn't fully understand the physical side of the "why".  All she knows is that the baby that was coming suddenly isn't anymore.  She feels a piece of her ripped apart.  Help your child mourn.  Don't shield your child from the pain.  Help him/her move through the process.  Help increase understanding over time.  They go through a healing process too. "Til we meet again at Jesus' feet."  

Slowing Down, Making Better Choices

The other day, I came across this sponsored ad on Facebook.  It was for a webinar by Teaching Self-Government discussing ways to end back-talking from your children.  Considering all four of my children are naturally very well versed in this art, this was something that struck my interest.  As I eagerly listened to the speaker, hanging onto every word, something very interesting was mentioned - the topic of urgency.  Fortunately, I don't have to be Einstein to understand the connection.  But as I pondered this newly discovered problem, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with y'all.

Why are we all in such a hurry?  Part of me wishes that it was just attached to the Holiday Season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years).  However, if we are truly honest with ourselves, aren't we always catching ourselves explaining to our friends just how busy we always are?  I will speak for myself, since I only have my own experiences to work with.  I have a few really close friends that I would love to spend so much more time with.  One friend in particular, I have known her for 9 years.  Being military affiliated, we didn't live close to each other for several years.  But now we are relatively close to each other geographically again.  We had so many amazing good intentions to get together a lot more.  Sadly, we have only seen each other in passing a couple of times in the last year.  And we always say, we are so busy!  So much always going on!  Between us, our families, work, work-from-home, random illnesses, schedules and what not, this busyness is keeping us apart!  It is so sad!  I aim to change that some how some way - as in really soon!

But is friendship the only thing we are too busy for?  Is our Prayer and Scripture time suffering?  Is our connection with God being put on the back burner - for when we have time?  What about the quality time we spend with our husbands?  Children?  Personal maintenance?  (yes that is very important too)  This Urgency Addiction affects every aspect of our lives.  It is a matter of character!  We must find our priorities.  Prioritize those priorities and remember to slow down! 

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46: 10

This urgency addiction plays a huge part in our societies "anxiety epidemic."  It turns life into a rat-race.  I miss the days when folks made time to sit on the front porch and chat.  There are days I slow down enough and enjoy reading several books to my youngest daughter - who is a book fiend.   I find that I also enjoy playing "grandma" to same child's baby dolls.  Earlier this evening, I had a blast dancing to the "Macarena" with all four of my children.  Life seems to be so much more enjoyable when I choose to ignore the busyness and focus on my children!  I find I can parent in a much more calm way.  I can make better choices.  Then in turn my children, don't sense the insane stress, and they make better choices too.   God is a God of Peace, of Order, of Simplicity!  Urgency and constant  busyness tends to distract us from the most important aspects of our lives!  Causes an increase in illnesses, irritability, and often a decrease of faith as well!  Slow down!  Listen to where the Lord calls you!  To everything there is a time and a season under heaven!  I recently saw something somewhere that said: "You can do Anything, but you can't do Everything!"  At least not well, anyways!  Seek God in all things, and He will guide you in what you need to do!  

I am choosing to slow down!  That is possible even during the Holiday Season!  Blessings, dear friends!

 

The Most Important Work....

Last Sunday my daughter was assigned the Scripture for Primary Sharing Time.  She was so excited.  I thought that her excitement would blow over and she would forget about it throughout the week, as is her custom.  I was pleasantly surprised to be reminded about this responsibility daily.  Then Saturday night came, and just before bedtime, she came up to me and asked me to help her find the Scripture assigned.  The Scripture was Matthew 22: 37.  She is so used to reaching for the Book of Mormon that she was a little confused when I said that the verse she was looking for is actually in the Holy Bible - New Testament.  I taught her how to look up the book and then find the right chapter and verse.  Let me mention here how happy I am that she is finally able to read, and actually enjoys it.  When we found the verse, she read:  

"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."  Matthew 22: 37

I asked her if she understood what that verse meant to her.  She said she had no idea.  There were a few confusing words to her:  shalt, thou and thy.  I should have expected that, those are Old English words.  I explained that the Primary Commandment that God has given is that we love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds!  That everything we do, think, and say be based in our deep love for Him.  It was during this wonderful, peaceful teaching moment that I realized the true beauty and importance of my role as her Mother. 

It is not by chance that the Book of Mormon opens with the Prophet Nephi declaring the nature of his upbringing:

"I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father..."    1 Nephi 1: 1

As parents, our primary responsibility is the spiritual formation of the children entrusted to our care.  We are commanded to teach our children by word and example to seek out the Lord in all things.  That our children may learn of His commandments, His promises, and Our covenants.  There is a quote going around and sadly I do not know who initially said it, but regardless its message is overwhelming:  "If we don't teach our children to follow Christ, the world will teach them not to."  

There is a terrible idea going around that was told to my face some time ago, that children's education primarily comes from the School System.  Apparently the reasoning is that since they have the teaching degree they are the ONLY ones who hold the right to teach your children.  Do not fall for that lie!  If you don't believe me, take it to the Lord in prayer.  He will show you the way that you need to go!  This is not me necessarily promoting Homeschooling, although I am far from against it.  We seriously considered homeschooling my son who has High Functioning Autism just recently.  His teachers worked out the situation in a way that was nothing short of miraculous, so he has remained in school.   

Just a reminder that you have been blessed with the children that you have for a reason.  You are in charge of their spiritual and physical welfare.  We have been blessed with countless aids NOT replacements.  You know your child best! Even his physician has to ask you what his symptoms and behaviors look like in order to adequately treat him for any potential ailments.   C.S. Lewis puts it perfectly:  "Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work." 
His words are reiterated and strengthened by those of the Prophet Harold B Lee:  "The most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own Home."  I encourage you to ponder those words and take them seriously. 

Just remember that usually the one doing the teaching is the one who is doing the most learning and growing.  To teach you must already be doing.  So seek the Lord first in all you do.  Show by example that you truly love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind!  And like with everything else, your children will want to be like you and follow in the way they should go!

The days are long, the years are short, and words of the Lord are forever!

Double-Sided Burp Cloths

These burp cloths are a quick sew.  They are very easy to make!  What makes them special, however, is that they are usable for whichever gender!  The would make a beautiful Baby Shower gift, especially if the Mama-to-Be plans on eventually expanding her family at a future date.  Why buy new when you have gender appropriate ones already on hand?  One of the biggest reasons why I have always "found" out the gender of every baby as soon as I could is because I have never been one to like anything "neutral."  I always wanted to be prepared with the gender appropriate everything!  This way, you can be, especially if you are the mama that prefers to leave gender reveal for Birth Day!

Step 1:  Finding the Right Pattern

I have a couple websites that I frequent when looking for pretty much anything.  I will generally seek out Pinterest.  I generally look for something easily printable.  I do not know what y'all's budgets look like, but being that we are a Military Family of almost 7, finances are not often on our side. Therefore, I prefer to seek out free printables.  (Be sure to send a note of appreciation to whomever worked very hard to make that printable available for your use.)  If, for whatever reason you cannot find what you are looking for on Pinterest or you choose not to use that website, Google is my second best friend.  

Step 2:  Buying the Perfect Material

www.homemadebyjill.blogspot.com

For this particular project, I was specifically looking for flannels.  Considering you will be buying two separate prints, be sure that the materials feel similar.  Not all flannels have the same weight and feel to them.  I steer clear of the silky flannels, the absorption will be less than desirable and render the purpose of the burp cloths pointless.  I search for the heavier weight flannels.  Trust me, absorption will be much better. 

Step 3:  Cut Out the Pattern

This part generally is the easiest part.  Quite self-explanatory.

Step 4:  Sewing

For this project, line the pieces wrong sides together!  Stitch approximately 1/2 inch from edges - all the way around.  And then I stitched down the middle (narrowest part) so that the pieces wouldn't bubble too much in the very frequent washes to come.  

Step 5:  Ragging

Snip every 1/4 inch or so around the perimeter of your project.  Be sure to not snip your actual stitching.  Wash a couple times to get the ragged look.  And voila, you are done!

* If you made these as a gift, I would refrain from washing to allow mama-to-be to wash them in her desired detergent.    

You can make as many or as few as your heart desires!  I like to make things in sets of four, personally!  I hope you enjoy this project!  Make it your own!