Children Grieve Too...

I am no stranger to loss nor to its pain.  However, what happens when a living child is affected by this type of loss? 

Today,  I received an interesting phone call from the school principle.  The report was that my eldest daughter, who is now age 9, spilled her little heart in tears to her teacher today:  "Mommy and Daddy killed my baby sister and buried her in our front yard.  When our house flooded, we left her behind."  Of course the principle has no idea what the actual incident was so it raised some suspicion.  This incident opened my eyes to the fact that although she doesn't fully understand what actually happened, she is still grieving 20 months later.  She is confused and hurt.

Through her eyes:   

My daughter saw the beautiful little "box" I made for her sister.  We had our children write a card or draw a picture to put in Joy-Anna's box.  Not fully understanding the seriousness of the matter, the children all gladly drew pictures and turned them in to me.  I included all their little drawings and a goodbye note of love from myself with her tiny little body.  I sealed her resting box and prepared the Memorial Garden spot with love and tenderness.

With heavy hearts, we invited a few close friends to say "goodbye" with us.  We asked that friends who came bring some flowers that we could plant to beautify her resting place. 

After the prayer, scriptures and a few parting words, we laid her to rest in the prepared front garden.  All my daughter understood at the time was that we were burying a "box".  She cried.  She kept asking why we were burying the "box".  "Joy is going to need it.  It is her box."  Her little 7 year old heart didn't understand at that time.    

I did attempt to explain that Joy-Anna was called home to Heavenly Father.  But I doubt she fully understood what that meant.  Every day after the memorial service, we would wish Joy "good morning" every day on the way to school.  And every night we would bid her "good night."  She was very much an integral part of our daily routine - a member of our family.

Tragedy struck our family a little over a year later, and we were forced to move from our home.  However, we left Joy-Anna in the garden to rest in peace.  I think that is when the grief really started processing through her little heart.  She is now 9 years old and understands that miscarriage means death, that she will never get to meet her little sister in this life.  However, as today has shown she hasn't come to understand that it isn't anyone's fault.  Part of her appears to blame daddy and me for the loss of her baby sister.  The "how" doesn't really matter to her, it is more the fact that she is missing this precious member of our family.

How do you help a child cope with the pain of this kind of loss? 

I think it is important to always include the baby in all important family activities.  It is also vital to allow sibling to grieve baby's absence.  Allow her to talk about the baby and what it may be doing in heaven at any given time.  Remind the child, that the Family is Forever.  The baby is forever a part of our family.  She is just looking after us from Heavenly Father's presence.

We are now expecting another baby.  This whole pregnancy, aforementioned child is worried sick about the health of both mama and baby.  Always is asking to do things for me.  She asks to feel is baby brother is kicking.  She just wants something tangible that he is alive and healthy.  She is still terrified that something will happen to this little sibling too.  

Mamas who have experienced this kind of loss while having living children in your home, remember that your child is experiencing the loss as well.  Sometimes in very similar ways.  Somehow I think her grieving process is harder than mine has ever been.  Why?  She doesn't fully understand the physical side of the "why".  All she knows is that the baby that was coming suddenly isn't anymore.  She feels a piece of her ripped apart.  Help your child mourn.  Don't shield your child from the pain.  Help him/her move through the process.  Help increase understanding over time.  They go through a healing process too. "Til we meet again at Jesus' feet."